So... that's NOT where babies come from?

Magic Nursey Babies were probably my favoritest dolls in the whole world in the late 80's and early 90's. Looking back now, I wish it were so simple!

To think that this is how I used to feel motherhood would happen. They really pull the wool over our eyes don't they! And look, my twin baby comes in the mail.

Oh good, your baby was born pre-mature! How adorable!

But, even though the marketing really turned out to be diappointing, I can see some of my craziness has a long history and even maybe was premotions!

-My first Magic Nursey Baby was a boy. I immediately needed to get another one because I wanted a girl.

-The most distrubing and romantized product from this line (that I couldn't find a commercial for) was the  pregnancy set I had. You bought a box that had a front wear backpack essentially. You couldn't see how many babies were inside this "belly". The outside had hidden buttons to feel the "heartbeats" and then you open the velcro and you get 1,2, or 3 "newborn" babies! I had 3. With all these treatments, maybe childhood marketing wasn't so off the mark afterall??

PCOS and Body Image- A Hidden Struggle

Body Image is a funny thing. One day you might feel great but one small incident can send your self confidence spiraling downward. It could be a comment, a look, noticing an imperfection, a feeling you get or don’t get from a loved one. Body Image is the fragile master of our emotions. For me, I have always struggled with certain parts of my Body Image. Some of the things are common complaints for women; I don’t like my nose, my freckles or my bra size (more than I need thanks!). But these complaints are small time compared to my long fought Body Image demons.

PCOS is responsible for my biggest demon, although I didn’t realize it until I was diagnosed, my furthest-thing-from-flat belly. The nagging ever present flab that I have hated for as long as I can remember is a long standing PCOS induced Body Image crusher. It made me look terrible in my ballet leotards, not ballet like at all. My belly made it so when I shopped at the coolest store for the tween set, 5-7-9, I was a 9 and sized out of the entire establishment much faster than my friends. When I lost a ton of extra weight during my year living in Japan due to forced lifestyle change, the belly bulge still remained. And of course, perhaps the most ironic and hurtful of all is that people have commented on my “pregnancy” more times than I care to remember.

No matter how much I exercised (dance and swimming for many years) or attempted to diet, the belly never really went away. I thought that my Dr. must have thought me to be a liar; no one could exercise or eat like I claimed I did and gain so much weight in the middle. Then, when I was diagnosed with PCOS I felt vindicated. A symptom and side effect of PCOS is holding weight in the middle, gaining weight quickly and the almost impossibility of losing it. Now, through treatment with Met (as mentioned on Monday) my tummy has shrunk. It remains but as a smaller version of what it once was. I don’t think I will ever have a flat stomach and I will probably always battle with the way having belly flab makes me feel but at least I know that I am doing all I can do to address it at this point.

PCOS has also created new and unchartered waves in my Body Image battle, issues with how I feel about my femininity and womanhood, issues that cannot be identified by outward imperfections. When I discovered that I had PCOS and that my body wasn’t working the way it was designed to work, I was devastated. I felt, and still sometimes feel, broken. If I were a toy, I would be marked down and put in the “as is” section of the store. When I was younger, I loved playing house with my plethora of dolls. I always wanted to be a mom (among other things). No one gave me a warning with my baby dolls “You know, you might not be able to be a mommy someday”. It was never something I considered and now my body has betrayed its very purpose and shattered my image for becoming a mother in the process. I sometimes feel less of a woman because of this disease and it is very difficult to explain to others only making me feel more alone than before.

I hope that one day I can be at peace with my body as it is but I do believe that I will always have a sense of loss, care of PCOS. There are a lot of losses that come with Infertility; loss of Body Image is just one.

Preconception Mompetition

What If-ing Myself to Death- A By Product of the 2WW

Now, I have never been a patient person. My mother would especially back this up. I also hate surprises. Not knowing what is going to happen next or 5 steps from now, is like torture for me. This particular part of my personality has made IF especially difficult because IF makes it impossible to do what I love best- plan. IF is about waiting in the unknown- waiting for my period, never knowing when it will show itself, waiting to see the next Dr. or start the next medication, waiting until the next monitoring appointment not knowing whether it will be good or bad and finally waiting to find out if we were successful at creating life. I feel like I need one of those express passes you can get at Disney World so you don’t have to wait in line. 1 IF Express Pass please, money no object!

What ends up happening during these last days until the moment of truth is that I start to think way more than I should. A sampling of my thoughts for just today are below:

-If I am pregnant, when would I be due? (Answer- December 13, 2011)

-OMG that is close to Christmas, what would we do for the holidays with a 2 week old (Answer-?)

-If I am pregnant, when would we hear the heartbeat and when would we find out if it is twins? (Answer- Easter time)

-OMG, what if it IS twins?? (Answer- not a clue)

-What if I have a miscarriage? (Answer- I am so scared)

-I am really tired; does that mean I am pregnant or just tired? (Answer- I like to think pregnant)

-How am I going to be able to keep it to myself to tell people in a meaningful way if I am? (I probs can’t)

-I wonder if Gymboree will still have those cute giraffe clothes by the time we find out the gender in case it is a girl…

-What if I am NOT pregnant? How I am going to deal with that disappointment again?

-I’m probably not; let’s just think that I am not for sanity sake.

This is just a sampling from my brain. There have been many Google searches for date calculators, gender predictors (Chinese tradition says it would be a boy… screw China, I don’t believe it!) and miscarriage percentages today. So far, I have managed to stave off the need to look at clothes, cribs, strollers etc but I can’t make promises for the rest of the week. To the outside world, I pretend that I can barely remember that next week I will find out something that could change my life. On the inside, I am screaming in impatience.

Medication Monday

Since this blog is coming nearly a year after my journey with infertility began, there is some catch up to do, especially in the way of medication and medication options. Medication is a daily reality for infertiles, to the point that it often becomes ridiculous. I have never had any qualms about taking medication but now, I take so many pills everyday it is crazy. I even have to use a special pharmacy for the infertility drugs. If my current treatment doesn’t work, the medications will become more numerous and more of a pain in the ass (literally at some point…).

I am currently on one medication daily and then there is the protocol for cycling (not biking, TTCing in any given month or cycle) which is not daily and will change if it is not successful. PLUS, I am taking a ton of different vitamins. I even got one of those weekly pill organizers which really made me feel like I am only steps away from the Early Bird Special. Here is a rundown of my medications at the moment.

Daily: Metformin (2000mgs), Prenatal Vitamin, Vitamin D (2000iu), Folic Acid

Monthly: Clomid (5omgs for 5 days), Ovidrel (1 injections 250mls)

Today we will talk about Metformin.

Metformin is a drug originally intended to help diabetics who are insulin resistant. Since not much is known about PCOS, new ideas are coming forward all of the time and one recent theory is that insulin resistance is a part of PCOS. Insulin is regulated by hormones so since PCOS is a hormonal imbalance it actually makes sense. When I read this, I decided to present my general practitioner with the studies and ask to try Metformin (or as it is lovingly referred to among infertiles, Met) out.

I am not insulin resistant according to my blood tests but I was barley in the “normal range”.  It didn’t matter though because studies show that even in PCOS without insulin resistance, Met is shown to reduce the growth of cysts, and in some cases restore normal menstrual cycles.  In October, after about 3 months on Met, I finally got my period after over 6 months of waiting!This is an important step in taking charge of PCOS.

Met also regulates the intake of insulin. Once I started taking it I could feel the difference in my body immediately. I used to crave sugar and carbs and could eat a pound of pasta by myself if I wanted to. I always felt like I wanted to eat and couldn’t stop at a normal sized portion. Once one the Met, that all changed. I had no appetite, wasn’t craving anything and could barely force myself to eat unless I really needed to.

Basically, before the Met, I would eat something like pasta and my body would change the carbs and sugars into insulin for energy. But since I was almost insulin resistant, my body wouldn’t absorb it and therefore would send a message to my brain saying “Hey! We need insulin RIGHT NOW! Pasta, Pasta, Pasta, Bread, Bread, Bread” and I would feel hungry again. All of that unabsorbed insulin turned into fat. Not just any fat, belly fat. It made me feel disgusting and caused me to gain nearly 30lbs since graduating from college and was impossible to get rid of.

Now my appetite is mostly back, I can enjoy food again at least. But I don’t want as much of it at all. I have lost about 17lbs since going on Met in August 2010 from the medication alone, no exercise more than normal and no restrictive dieting. It is great but the best part is NO CYSTS! When I have had ultra sounds, my ovaries are smooth and show up as a black blob. Before, I could see tiny white dots all over them but the Met has made those go away.

Now, this might sound like a miracle drug to you and you might be thinking “I want that! I want to lose some weight too!” Not so fast, it is not all rainbows and butterflies. The downside to Met is that is causes havoc to your digestive system. Let’s just say I went through many boxes of Imodium AD when I first started. For that reason, you must start Met gradually with 500mgs at first and moving up to 1000mgs when your body (and stomach) have gotten used to it. I eventually hit 2000mgs a day and for the most part no longer experience bad side effects unless I eat something totally gross and greasy that my body can’t process anymore.

I have no problem taking Met for the rest of my life to keep my weight and cysts under control if that is what it is going to take. I really think the pros outweigh the cons. I am looking forward to hearing more research on Met such as its effects on miscarriage rates. In some studies it has shown to reduce miscarriage in PCOS patients. In some it is shown to have no effect. The jury is still out.

Next Medication Monday: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Clomid

Recipe for Motherhood- Infertile Edition

Poking around Etsy sometime ago, I found this adorable "Recipe for Motherhood".

http://ny-image3.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.98193215.jpg

It's cute but I thought I would amend the recipe to fit my needs more. Notice I left in laughter and faith because you really do need those when you are dealing with IF. Hopefully this recipe will yield some results soon!

An Approching Milestone & The Dreaded 2WW

Hello internets! I am going to try to join the blogoshere but I am not promising much. I intend to use this space as a place to deposit my thoughts as we continue to try to have a baby. I know that in the grand scheme of IF, our journey has barely begun. But no matter where in the IF continuum anyone should find themselves (or a loved one), there are bound to be a ton of emotions that no one knows how to process.

April will mark 1 year since I ditched BCP and started TTCing. I knew almost immediately that something was not right. At first, I was told I would have to try for a year, "healthy couples take a year to get pregnant" blah blah blah. After a lot of pushing and advocating for myself at the Dr. office, my Dr. sent me for some testing. I was right, something was wrong. I have PCOS or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically it means that I do not ovulate on my own because the ovaries are too crowded with small cysts to form a viable egg follicle. Treatment started soon after diagnosis when I pushed to be put on Metformin, a medication originally intended for diabetics but that has been shown to help PCOS by keeping cysts from forming.

Being told that I had PCOS was both relieving and terrifying. I was relieved to know that I was right, I knew my body well enough to know when something was wrong. It also explained a lot of my struggles with weight and body image as PCOS has some lovely symptoms in addition to wonky menstrual cycles such as carrying weight in the abdomen, difficulty losing weight, insulin resistance and some other fabulous symptoms I don't have like excessive body hair.

At the same time I was scared. Scared that I could never have a baby, scared that if by some miracle I did get pregnant I would miscarry (Miscarriage rates are higher for women with PCOS). I was also guilty. I felt guilty and ashamed that my body was somehow broken. That it was my fault that my husband might not be a father. I felt like a failure. Logically I understand that these feelings are ridiculous. I have a medical problem just as someone with a heart defect does. It is no more my fault than theirs. Yet still, these feelings remain and are a constant struggle.

We were sent to an RE in October and have been working with a plan of Clomid+Ovidrel+TI. We are in the 2WW for our 2nd cycle of this kind. I will post another time to regal you with the wonderful side effects of my current drug cocktail of choice but that is another post. After all, I will need something to distract me for the next 2 weeks as I wait to find out the fate of my uterus for the next 9 months...

fingers crossed!