Body Image is a funny thing. One day you might feel great but one small incident can send your self confidence spiraling downward. It could be a comment, a look, noticing an imperfection, a feeling you get or don’t get from a loved one. Body Image is the fragile master of our emotions. For me, I have always struggled with certain parts of my Body Image. Some of the things are common complaints for women; I don’t like my nose, my freckles or my bra size (more than I need thanks!). But these complaints are small time compared to my long fought Body Image demons.
PCOS is responsible for my biggest demon, although I didn’t realize it until I was diagnosed, my furthest-thing-from-flat belly. The nagging ever present flab that I have hated for as long as I can remember is a long standing PCOS induced Body Image crusher. It made me look terrible in my ballet leotards, not ballet like at all. My belly made it so when I shopped at the coolest store for the tween set, 5-7-9, I was a 9 and sized out of the entire establishment much faster than my friends. When I lost a ton of extra weight during my year living in Japan due to forced lifestyle change, the belly bulge still remained. And of course, perhaps the most ironic and hurtful of all is that people have commented on my “pregnancy” more times than I care to remember.
No matter how much I exercised (dance and swimming for many years) or attempted to diet, the belly never really went away. I thought that my Dr. must have thought me to be a liar; no one could exercise or eat like I claimed I did and gain so much weight in the middle. Then, when I was diagnosed with PCOS I felt vindicated. A symptom and side effect of PCOS is holding weight in the middle, gaining weight quickly and the almost impossibility of losing it. Now, through treatment with Met (as mentioned on Monday) my tummy has shrunk. It remains but as a smaller version of what it once was. I don’t think I will ever have a flat stomach and I will probably always battle with the way having belly flab makes me feel but at least I know that I am doing all I can do to address it at this point.
PCOS has also created new and unchartered waves in my Body Image battle, issues with how I feel about my femininity and womanhood, issues that cannot be identified by outward imperfections. When I discovered that I had PCOS and that my body wasn’t working the way it was designed to work, I was devastated. I felt, and still sometimes feel, broken. If I were a toy, I would be marked down and put in the “as is” section of the store. When I was younger, I loved playing house with my plethora of dolls. I always wanted to be a mom (among other things). No one gave me a warning with my baby dolls “You know, you might not be able to be a mommy someday”. It was never something I considered and now my body has betrayed its very purpose and shattered my image for becoming a mother in the process. I sometimes feel less of a woman because of this disease and it is very difficult to explain to others only making me feel more alone than before.
I hope that one day I can be at peace with my body as it is but I do believe that I will always have a sense of loss, care of PCOS. There are a lot of losses that come with Infertility; loss of Body Image is just one.
No comments:
Post a Comment