What If-ing Myself to Death- A By Product of the 2WW

Now, I have never been a patient person. My mother would especially back this up. I also hate surprises. Not knowing what is going to happen next or 5 steps from now, is like torture for me. This particular part of my personality has made IF especially difficult because IF makes it impossible to do what I love best- plan. IF is about waiting in the unknown- waiting for my period, never knowing when it will show itself, waiting to see the next Dr. or start the next medication, waiting until the next monitoring appointment not knowing whether it will be good or bad and finally waiting to find out if we were successful at creating life. I feel like I need one of those express passes you can get at Disney World so you don’t have to wait in line. 1 IF Express Pass please, money no object!

What ends up happening during these last days until the moment of truth is that I start to think way more than I should. A sampling of my thoughts for just today are below:

-If I am pregnant, when would I be due? (Answer- December 13, 2011)

-OMG that is close to Christmas, what would we do for the holidays with a 2 week old (Answer-?)

-If I am pregnant, when would we hear the heartbeat and when would we find out if it is twins? (Answer- Easter time)

-OMG, what if it IS twins?? (Answer- not a clue)

-What if I have a miscarriage? (Answer- I am so scared)

-I am really tired; does that mean I am pregnant or just tired? (Answer- I like to think pregnant)

-How am I going to be able to keep it to myself to tell people in a meaningful way if I am? (I probs can’t)

-I wonder if Gymboree will still have those cute giraffe clothes by the time we find out the gender in case it is a girl…

-What if I am NOT pregnant? How I am going to deal with that disappointment again?

-I’m probably not; let’s just think that I am not for sanity sake.

This is just a sampling from my brain. There have been many Google searches for date calculators, gender predictors (Chinese tradition says it would be a boy… screw China, I don’t believe it!) and miscarriage percentages today. So far, I have managed to stave off the need to look at clothes, cribs, strollers etc but I can’t make promises for the rest of the week. To the outside world, I pretend that I can barely remember that next week I will find out something that could change my life. On the inside, I am screaming in impatience.