Hello internets! I am going to try to join the blogoshere but I am not promising much. I intend to use this space as a place to deposit my thoughts as we continue to try to have a baby. I know that in the grand scheme of IF, our journey has barely begun. But no matter where in the IF continuum anyone should find themselves (or a loved one), there are bound to be a ton of emotions that no one knows how to process.
April will mark 1 year since I ditched BCP and started TTCing. I knew almost immediately that something was not right. At first, I was told I would have to try for a year, "healthy couples take a year to get pregnant" blah blah blah. After a lot of pushing and advocating for myself at the Dr. office, my Dr. sent me for some testing. I was right, something was wrong. I have PCOS or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically it means that I do not ovulate on my own because the ovaries are too crowded with small cysts to form a viable egg follicle. Treatment started soon after diagnosis when I pushed to be put on Metformin, a medication originally intended for diabetics but that has been shown to help PCOS by keeping cysts from forming.
Being told that I had PCOS was both relieving and terrifying. I was relieved to know that I was right, I knew my body well enough to know when something was wrong. It also explained a lot of my struggles with weight and body image as PCOS has some lovely symptoms in addition to wonky menstrual cycles such as carrying weight in the abdomen, difficulty losing weight, insulin resistance and some other fabulous symptoms I don't have like excessive body hair.
At the same time I was scared. Scared that I could never have a baby, scared that if by some miracle I did get pregnant I would miscarry (Miscarriage rates are higher for women with PCOS). I was also guilty. I felt guilty and ashamed that my body was somehow broken. That it was my fault that my husband might not be a father. I felt like a failure. Logically I understand that these feelings are ridiculous. I have a medical problem just as someone with a heart defect does. It is no more my fault than theirs. Yet still, these feelings remain and are a constant struggle.
We were sent to an RE in October and have been working with a plan of Clomid+Ovidrel+TI. We are in the 2WW for our 2nd cycle of this kind. I will post another time to regal you with the wonderful side effects of my current drug cocktail of choice but that is another post. After all, I will need something to distract me for the next 2 weeks as I wait to find out the fate of my uterus for the next 9 months...
fingers crossed!
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