migrating...

I have made a new blog that will be for all things baby.
http://realgerberbaby.blogspot.com/

Please join me there!

17 Weeks! (opps skipped a week!)

~ How far along? 17 weeks

~Total weight gain? 1.5 lbs up from my base weight. about +0.5 lbs a week.

~How big is baby? baby is an onion or a pear, depending on which site

~Sleep? pretty terrible but i think it is the heat.

~How are you feeling physically? pretty good these days

~How are you feeling emotionally? good, still sort of in disbelief

~Best moment of the week? getting the nursery started

~Movement? none yet.

~Food cravings? nothing new.

~Labor Signs? No thank God.

~What I miss? Still miss wanting to eat.

~What I look forward to? Still wanting to have a noticeable bump

It's a...

BOY!

We went for an elective ultrasound on Tuesday, when I was exactly 15 weeks, to see if we could find out the gender of the baby. We did! It was an amazing experience. He was upsidedown the whole time and was sleepy from dinner.

Meet- Noah!

15 weeks!

~ How far along? 15 weeks

~Total weight gain? as of last week i was 0.5 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight.

~How big is baby? baby is an orange!

~Sleep? better than last week.

~How are you feeling physically? much better. my only issues are a little bit of lightheadedness and some hormone headaches. i feel like i have much more energy now!

~How are you feeling emotionally? good. it is starting to feel happy and real instead of just stressful!

~Best moment of the week? passed my 1 hour glucose test!

~Movement? none yet.

~Food cravings? nothing new.

~Labor Signs? No thank God.

~What I miss? Still miss wanting to eat.

~What I look forward to? Still wanting to have a noticeable bump and finding out what kind we have in there!

The grossest orange drink you will ever drink...

Last week I had my monthly check up appointment with my Dr. The main goal of this month was to do my first Glucose Tolerance test to test for Gestational Diabetes. Being a PCOS patient, I had to do this test much earlier than other normal pregnant ladies who do it around the 7 month mark.

The test is simple enough, you drink a sugary drink and then 1 hour later they test your blood for glucose levels. The problem is the drink. It is like flat orange soda with 10x the amount of sugar of a regular soda. You have to drink it all in 5 minutes. If you throw up you have to drink another one. It was not fun.

Good news is- I passed! My levels were normal so I am not diabetic right now which is good. I have to retest at the 7 month mark just in case though. Not looking forward to drink that stuff again!!

my nemisis....

叶うまで信じてる...

One of my favorite Japanese singers came out with a new song and I cried the first time I heard it. Actually I cry everytime I hear it. It just struck a cord with me after being through Infertility and winning.

The title of this post, "叶うまで信じてる" is the last line in the chorus of the song and means "Beliveing until it [your wish] comes true". That to me is the most important part of overcoming Infertility. Never giving up hope, even though some days it is really hard.

It is a really inspirational song. I know that most people don't speak Japanese, so just hearing it really means nothing but I grabbed a translation from JpopAsia.com to include with the video.

Everything's gonna be alright
It's OK it's alright it's OK

Since that day you've been running/ Down the road you were aiming for/ With a straightforward look in your eyes/And without uttering a complaint

Yeah, I've watched you the whole way/ So even though you lie/ And say you're okay/ I can see your tears

I know the pain and suffering /Will all be worth it /So keep going /In your own way

Yeah, try to remember/ Your smile from back then /Because everyone is always here for you /Yeah, one more time/ As many times as it takes /You're radiant when you don't give in /Believing until it comes true

Everything's gonna be alright
It's OK it's alright it's OK

You always look best/ With a smile on your face /And you push me to do my best /Because you give me courage

Yeah, I know that really/ You have it harder than I do/ But you worry for me the most /And you stayed by me

So if you're crying right now /I'll fly to you /No matter where you are /You're not alone anymore

Yeah, try to remember/ Your smile from back then /Because everyone is always here for you /Yeah, one more time /As many times as it takes /You're radiant when you don't give in /Believing until it comes true

As we lose our way /We're still making progress /It's not a mistake /So let's go our own way

Oh oh oh oh...

Yeah, try to remember/ Your smile from back then /Because everyone is always here for you /Yeah, one more time /As many times as it takes /You're radiant when you don't give in /Believing until it comes true

Everything's gonna be alright
It's OK it's alright it's OK
Oh oh oh oh...

14 Weeks!

I have seen these weekly check-ins on other blogs so I thought I would jump on the wagon!

~ How far along? 14 weeks

~Total weight gain? Down 1 lb. At one point I was down 3 lbs so at least now I am going in the right direction!

~How big is baby? baby is a lemon! I <3 lemons.

~Sleep? Not great lately but I think most it has to do with the cats deciding that this week, my side of the bed is better for them.

~How are you feeling physically? Better than a few weeks ago but still not amazing. Today I am very very tired. I still get queasy on some evening and my digestive system is just not what it used to be… looking forward for at least some of these problems to be resolved in the 2 tri.

~How are you feeling emotionally? I’m finally starting to feel comfortable and less worried. I think it will be even better if we have a great appointment on Friday.

~Best moment of the week? Will *hopefully* be getting a successful doppler reading on Friday!

~Movement? none yet.

~Food cravings? When I want to eat it is usually something carb-y like pasta. I also had a crazy hankering for sour patch kids the other day…

~Labor Signs? No thank God.

~What I miss? Wanting to eat.

~What I look forward to? Getting a noticeable bump and finding out what kind we have in there!

Exiting the Danger Zone- Catch Up Post!

Well it seems I have been on hiatus. Today’s post is a catch up post!

I am 14 weeks pregnant today. I have been in a suspended stage of disbelief for two and a half months now, always waiting for my luck to change and my joy be snatched away. I tried not to get attached but that failed. Thankfully, today I have made it to the second trimester and everything seems to be going just fine.

I had my first ultrasound at 7 weeks to check on the situation in there. We were nervous. Nervous that we would see nothing and also worried we would see too many babies! What we saw was 1 perfect, beautiful blob of a baby with a heart beating away at 142 beats per minute. I quietly cried as our tech printed some pictures for us. The RE released us to an OB. I was now a regular pregnant lady!!



the baby is the blob on the top!



Around 9 weeks I started to feel sick. “Morning Sickness” is a crock. It can strike at any time and for however long it wants. Mine typically happens from either 3 or 4 PM through whenever I fall asleep and consists of overwhelming queasiness and heaving. No throwing up, just the terrible feeling that precedes it. Lucky lucky!

At 11 weeks we went to our OB for a routine appointment and had quite a scare. The doppler wasn’t picking up the heartbeat. The Dr. said that 11 weeks was probably too early to hear the heartbeat from the outside but of course after all I had been through getting pregnant, getting to 11 weeks and already convinced that this was too good to be true I must have had an expression of true panic on my face. Off to the hospital I went for a “viability ultrasound”. The term only made things worse. Once we finally get into the ultrasound room, the tech found the baby right away! It turns out that our little one is very energetic and was bouncing all over the place, basically treating my uterus like a jumpy castle. Also, my uterus is tipped to the back so these 2 things together made it nearly impossible for the OB to find anything on the doppler.

Watching the baby on the ultrasound screen was amazing. It wasn’t a blob anymore. It had a nose and fingers and toes. It was amazing that in a month it had changed so much! The heartbeat was up to 175 beats per minute and everything was looking good! Unfortunately the tech didn’t print us any pictures and I was too frazzled to remember to ask.

Here I am now at 14 weeks. My “morning sickness” seems to be getting a little better, I don’t hate food anymore and I have another appointment later this week. I am finally starting to think that this is real. It will seem more real when my pants don’t fit anymore though!

EDD 12/13!

So after last week’s debacle of thinking that the treatment had failed (again!) only to find out that hey surprise, it worked here I am nearly 5 weeks pregnant. It is still very surreal. I am excited but I don’t feel any different. I thought I would feel different. Not that I desire to be puking my guts out but I want to FEEL pregnant, especially after all the work we put into making it happen!

My numbers-

                Beta 1 4/5- 100 with 15.9 Progesterone

                Beta 2 4/8/- 466 with 19.6 Progesterone

All in all, good numbers. My next Beta is this Friday 4/15. Then if all is well with that I will get an u/s around 4/27. At the u/s, which will be about week 7, we will get to see if I have 1 bun or 2 and hopefully see the heartbeat(s). I think after SEEING it with my own eyes I might feel for real pregnant.

Never Trust Generic...

Well, I will never trust anything CVS sells again. My home test was wrong. I. AM. PREGNANT.

I am also in shock. OMG.

I need time to process…

Words of Wisdom

If compassion does not include yourself, then it is incomplete- Buddha

Single Line of Doom

Tomorrow is the completely unnecessary blood pregnancy test. It is unnecessary because I already took a test at home yesterday (negative) and today have cramps that tell me AF is imminent. The disappointment is setting in and I am sure when the nurse calls to tell me the obvious tomorrow I will not be in the best of spirits.

This past cycle looked so good on paper that even though I made efforts not to get carried away with optimism, I couldn’t help but think that this could be the cycle. I had 2 great follicles at trigger time, one 22mm (HUGE!) and one 18mm. I did everything right, or so I thought. I can’t help but wonder if major stressors at the office sabotaged my month.

The BFN (big fat negative) always makes me think of all the things that I will miss out on as a mom. In months past it has been that I won’t have a baby to spend the summer with at home, I won’t be a mom in time for my 29^th birthday, I won’t have a baby to be thankful for in November and the most recent realization that there will be no baby toys under the Christmas tree. 2011 will remain baby free and that sucks.

At the moment I just want my period to come so I can get started again with the Clomid circus. Maybe we are meant to have a New Year’s baby?

Medication Mondays- Clomid, the "aspirin of infertility"

Clomid, every infertile’s first foray into IF treatment. I saw it described in a book (If at First You Don’t Conceive by Dr. William Schoolcraft) as “the aspirin of the infertility world”. Clomid is an interesting drug in that it can do great things, enough to get you knocked up, if used properly. Unfortunately it is also often misused.

Clomid (clomiphene) is a very common treatment to induce ovulation in women. Basically how it works is it ups the level of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) so that follicles will grow, grow faster, grow bigger and grow more abundantly. For women who have ovulatory problems, such as PCOS patients, this helps to remedy the problem of not producing mature enough eggs for release and fertilization. In my case, Clomid is followed up by Ovidrel, a “trigger” shot that ensures ovulation occurs.

Clomid is taken for 5 days in any given cycle and is given in increments of 50mgs per dose. I am currently on the lowest dose of 50mgs daily. This can be from cycle day (CD) 3-7 or CD5-9. I typically take it from CD3-7. Following the final dose, there is time for the follicles to grow and then monitoring begins on CD12 and takes place every other day until one or more of the follicles reaches 20mm and is ready to ovulate (naturally or by trigger). Monitoring includes both blood work and ultrasound. Once the follicles are mature, I use the Ovidrel injection to force ovulation and provide a more concrete window for timed intercourse.

Clomid has some lovely side effects that get worse with an increase in dosage. Some of the side effects include: upset stomach, vomiting, hot flashes, breast tenderness, headache, blurred vision, abdominal bloating and pain. Oh, and don’t forget the mood swings!! Those are killer.  So far, on my low dose I have only experiences some of these but it is still not fun at all. Another important side effect to watch out for with your Dr. is thinning of your endometrial lining. After prolonged use of Clomid, your uterine lining may become too thin to sustain a pregnancy which really defeats the purpose of taking Clomid in the first place!

It is very important to be monitored while on Clomid. Unfortunately, many women who are just starting out on the IF path are prescribed Clomid by an OBGYN who does not provide monitoring. Since there are no checks to ensure that it is working properly, naturally the success rate of Clomid when given by an OBGYN is much lower. The danger extends beyond inconvenience however. Clomid can cause Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome or OHSS in the worst case scenario which is a life threatening situation. This is when there are way too many follicles growing and causing the ovary to grow too large. These follicles can burst and can cause internal bleeding into the abdominal cavity.

One final side effect and important reason to be monitored on Clomid- MULTIPLES! “Clomid Twins” has become a common phrase tossed around the offices of REs and OBGYNs these days. It makes sense that there is an increased risk of having twins (8-10%) with Clomid since it increases follicle production. When you are properly monitored however you can be sure that you haven’t overdone it and aren’t releasing 4,5,6,7 etc follicles into your tubes for a shot a life. Most people will still go forward with 2 or 3 because it also increases chances of success but everyone on this treatment must be prepared for the possibility of multiple blessings!

Next Medication Monday- More on Ovidrel,the TRIGGER!

So... that's NOT where babies come from?

Magic Nursey Babies were probably my favoritest dolls in the whole world in the late 80's and early 90's. Looking back now, I wish it were so simple!

To think that this is how I used to feel motherhood would happen. They really pull the wool over our eyes don't they! And look, my twin baby comes in the mail.

Oh good, your baby was born pre-mature! How adorable!

But, even though the marketing really turned out to be diappointing, I can see some of my craziness has a long history and even maybe was premotions!

-My first Magic Nursey Baby was a boy. I immediately needed to get another one because I wanted a girl.

-The most distrubing and romantized product from this line (that I couldn't find a commercial for) was the  pregnancy set I had. You bought a box that had a front wear backpack essentially. You couldn't see how many babies were inside this "belly". The outside had hidden buttons to feel the "heartbeats" and then you open the velcro and you get 1,2, or 3 "newborn" babies! I had 3. With all these treatments, maybe childhood marketing wasn't so off the mark afterall??

PCOS and Body Image- A Hidden Struggle

Body Image is a funny thing. One day you might feel great but one small incident can send your self confidence spiraling downward. It could be a comment, a look, noticing an imperfection, a feeling you get or don’t get from a loved one. Body Image is the fragile master of our emotions. For me, I have always struggled with certain parts of my Body Image. Some of the things are common complaints for women; I don’t like my nose, my freckles or my bra size (more than I need thanks!). But these complaints are small time compared to my long fought Body Image demons.

PCOS is responsible for my biggest demon, although I didn’t realize it until I was diagnosed, my furthest-thing-from-flat belly. The nagging ever present flab that I have hated for as long as I can remember is a long standing PCOS induced Body Image crusher. It made me look terrible in my ballet leotards, not ballet like at all. My belly made it so when I shopped at the coolest store for the tween set, 5-7-9, I was a 9 and sized out of the entire establishment much faster than my friends. When I lost a ton of extra weight during my year living in Japan due to forced lifestyle change, the belly bulge still remained. And of course, perhaps the most ironic and hurtful of all is that people have commented on my “pregnancy” more times than I care to remember.

No matter how much I exercised (dance and swimming for many years) or attempted to diet, the belly never really went away. I thought that my Dr. must have thought me to be a liar; no one could exercise or eat like I claimed I did and gain so much weight in the middle. Then, when I was diagnosed with PCOS I felt vindicated. A symptom and side effect of PCOS is holding weight in the middle, gaining weight quickly and the almost impossibility of losing it. Now, through treatment with Met (as mentioned on Monday) my tummy has shrunk. It remains but as a smaller version of what it once was. I don’t think I will ever have a flat stomach and I will probably always battle with the way having belly flab makes me feel but at least I know that I am doing all I can do to address it at this point.

PCOS has also created new and unchartered waves in my Body Image battle, issues with how I feel about my femininity and womanhood, issues that cannot be identified by outward imperfections. When I discovered that I had PCOS and that my body wasn’t working the way it was designed to work, I was devastated. I felt, and still sometimes feel, broken. If I were a toy, I would be marked down and put in the “as is” section of the store. When I was younger, I loved playing house with my plethora of dolls. I always wanted to be a mom (among other things). No one gave me a warning with my baby dolls “You know, you might not be able to be a mommy someday”. It was never something I considered and now my body has betrayed its very purpose and shattered my image for becoming a mother in the process. I sometimes feel less of a woman because of this disease and it is very difficult to explain to others only making me feel more alone than before.

I hope that one day I can be at peace with my body as it is but I do believe that I will always have a sense of loss, care of PCOS. There are a lot of losses that come with Infertility; loss of Body Image is just one.

Preconception Mompetition

What If-ing Myself to Death- A By Product of the 2WW

Now, I have never been a patient person. My mother would especially back this up. I also hate surprises. Not knowing what is going to happen next or 5 steps from now, is like torture for me. This particular part of my personality has made IF especially difficult because IF makes it impossible to do what I love best- plan. IF is about waiting in the unknown- waiting for my period, never knowing when it will show itself, waiting to see the next Dr. or start the next medication, waiting until the next monitoring appointment not knowing whether it will be good or bad and finally waiting to find out if we were successful at creating life. I feel like I need one of those express passes you can get at Disney World so you don’t have to wait in line. 1 IF Express Pass please, money no object!

What ends up happening during these last days until the moment of truth is that I start to think way more than I should. A sampling of my thoughts for just today are below:

-If I am pregnant, when would I be due? (Answer- December 13, 2011)

-OMG that is close to Christmas, what would we do for the holidays with a 2 week old (Answer-?)

-If I am pregnant, when would we hear the heartbeat and when would we find out if it is twins? (Answer- Easter time)

-OMG, what if it IS twins?? (Answer- not a clue)

-What if I have a miscarriage? (Answer- I am so scared)

-I am really tired; does that mean I am pregnant or just tired? (Answer- I like to think pregnant)

-How am I going to be able to keep it to myself to tell people in a meaningful way if I am? (I probs can’t)

-I wonder if Gymboree will still have those cute giraffe clothes by the time we find out the gender in case it is a girl…

-What if I am NOT pregnant? How I am going to deal with that disappointment again?

-I’m probably not; let’s just think that I am not for sanity sake.

This is just a sampling from my brain. There have been many Google searches for date calculators, gender predictors (Chinese tradition says it would be a boy… screw China, I don’t believe it!) and miscarriage percentages today. So far, I have managed to stave off the need to look at clothes, cribs, strollers etc but I can’t make promises for the rest of the week. To the outside world, I pretend that I can barely remember that next week I will find out something that could change my life. On the inside, I am screaming in impatience.

Medication Monday

Since this blog is coming nearly a year after my journey with infertility began, there is some catch up to do, especially in the way of medication and medication options. Medication is a daily reality for infertiles, to the point that it often becomes ridiculous. I have never had any qualms about taking medication but now, I take so many pills everyday it is crazy. I even have to use a special pharmacy for the infertility drugs. If my current treatment doesn’t work, the medications will become more numerous and more of a pain in the ass (literally at some point…).

I am currently on one medication daily and then there is the protocol for cycling (not biking, TTCing in any given month or cycle) which is not daily and will change if it is not successful. PLUS, I am taking a ton of different vitamins. I even got one of those weekly pill organizers which really made me feel like I am only steps away from the Early Bird Special. Here is a rundown of my medications at the moment.

Daily: Metformin (2000mgs), Prenatal Vitamin, Vitamin D (2000iu), Folic Acid

Monthly: Clomid (5omgs for 5 days), Ovidrel (1 injections 250mls)

Today we will talk about Metformin.

Metformin is a drug originally intended to help diabetics who are insulin resistant. Since not much is known about PCOS, new ideas are coming forward all of the time and one recent theory is that insulin resistance is a part of PCOS. Insulin is regulated by hormones so since PCOS is a hormonal imbalance it actually makes sense. When I read this, I decided to present my general practitioner with the studies and ask to try Metformin (or as it is lovingly referred to among infertiles, Met) out.

I am not insulin resistant according to my blood tests but I was barley in the “normal range”.  It didn’t matter though because studies show that even in PCOS without insulin resistance, Met is shown to reduce the growth of cysts, and in some cases restore normal menstrual cycles.  In October, after about 3 months on Met, I finally got my period after over 6 months of waiting!This is an important step in taking charge of PCOS.

Met also regulates the intake of insulin. Once I started taking it I could feel the difference in my body immediately. I used to crave sugar and carbs and could eat a pound of pasta by myself if I wanted to. I always felt like I wanted to eat and couldn’t stop at a normal sized portion. Once one the Met, that all changed. I had no appetite, wasn’t craving anything and could barely force myself to eat unless I really needed to.

Basically, before the Met, I would eat something like pasta and my body would change the carbs and sugars into insulin for energy. But since I was almost insulin resistant, my body wouldn’t absorb it and therefore would send a message to my brain saying “Hey! We need insulin RIGHT NOW! Pasta, Pasta, Pasta, Bread, Bread, Bread” and I would feel hungry again. All of that unabsorbed insulin turned into fat. Not just any fat, belly fat. It made me feel disgusting and caused me to gain nearly 30lbs since graduating from college and was impossible to get rid of.

Now my appetite is mostly back, I can enjoy food again at least. But I don’t want as much of it at all. I have lost about 17lbs since going on Met in August 2010 from the medication alone, no exercise more than normal and no restrictive dieting. It is great but the best part is NO CYSTS! When I have had ultra sounds, my ovaries are smooth and show up as a black blob. Before, I could see tiny white dots all over them but the Met has made those go away.

Now, this might sound like a miracle drug to you and you might be thinking “I want that! I want to lose some weight too!” Not so fast, it is not all rainbows and butterflies. The downside to Met is that is causes havoc to your digestive system. Let’s just say I went through many boxes of Imodium AD when I first started. For that reason, you must start Met gradually with 500mgs at first and moving up to 1000mgs when your body (and stomach) have gotten used to it. I eventually hit 2000mgs a day and for the most part no longer experience bad side effects unless I eat something totally gross and greasy that my body can’t process anymore.

I have no problem taking Met for the rest of my life to keep my weight and cysts under control if that is what it is going to take. I really think the pros outweigh the cons. I am looking forward to hearing more research on Met such as its effects on miscarriage rates. In some studies it has shown to reduce miscarriage in PCOS patients. In some it is shown to have no effect. The jury is still out.

Next Medication Monday: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Clomid

Recipe for Motherhood- Infertile Edition

Poking around Etsy sometime ago, I found this adorable "Recipe for Motherhood".

http://ny-image3.etsy.com/il_fullxfull.98193215.jpg

It's cute but I thought I would amend the recipe to fit my needs more. Notice I left in laughter and faith because you really do need those when you are dealing with IF. Hopefully this recipe will yield some results soon!

An Approching Milestone & The Dreaded 2WW

Hello internets! I am going to try to join the blogoshere but I am not promising much. I intend to use this space as a place to deposit my thoughts as we continue to try to have a baby. I know that in the grand scheme of IF, our journey has barely begun. But no matter where in the IF continuum anyone should find themselves (or a loved one), there are bound to be a ton of emotions that no one knows how to process.

April will mark 1 year since I ditched BCP and started TTCing. I knew almost immediately that something was not right. At first, I was told I would have to try for a year, "healthy couples take a year to get pregnant" blah blah blah. After a lot of pushing and advocating for myself at the Dr. office, my Dr. sent me for some testing. I was right, something was wrong. I have PCOS or Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. Basically it means that I do not ovulate on my own because the ovaries are too crowded with small cysts to form a viable egg follicle. Treatment started soon after diagnosis when I pushed to be put on Metformin, a medication originally intended for diabetics but that has been shown to help PCOS by keeping cysts from forming.

Being told that I had PCOS was both relieving and terrifying. I was relieved to know that I was right, I knew my body well enough to know when something was wrong. It also explained a lot of my struggles with weight and body image as PCOS has some lovely symptoms in addition to wonky menstrual cycles such as carrying weight in the abdomen, difficulty losing weight, insulin resistance and some other fabulous symptoms I don't have like excessive body hair.

At the same time I was scared. Scared that I could never have a baby, scared that if by some miracle I did get pregnant I would miscarry (Miscarriage rates are higher for women with PCOS). I was also guilty. I felt guilty and ashamed that my body was somehow broken. That it was my fault that my husband might not be a father. I felt like a failure. Logically I understand that these feelings are ridiculous. I have a medical problem just as someone with a heart defect does. It is no more my fault than theirs. Yet still, these feelings remain and are a constant struggle.

We were sent to an RE in October and have been working with a plan of Clomid+Ovidrel+TI. We are in the 2WW for our 2nd cycle of this kind. I will post another time to regal you with the wonderful side effects of my current drug cocktail of choice but that is another post. After all, I will need something to distract me for the next 2 weeks as I wait to find out the fate of my uterus for the next 9 months...

fingers crossed!